You’d gone on a few dates. You had fun. You laughed. You felt seen and heard. You had a connection. You just…”got” each other.
But then, one day, maybe you send a text and hours go by and then days go by and eventually you have no choice but to accept that…you got ghosted.
I’m just gonna drop this right here: Ghosting HURTS.
There’s no way around it. Unless you are numb to all feelings (which I don’t recommend), ghosting hurts everyone. It’s not that your friend is tougher than you are if they claim that they “don’t care” that they got ghosted because “whatever, he wasn’t actually that cool anyway.” If you’ve heard this, you’ve been lied to.
So, how to deal. How do you cope with being ghosted, because, let’s be real, this kinda thing happens way too often and it’s so tough to know how to work through the feels.
Here are my top 4 coping strategies.
#1 Normalize the hurt.
I’ve already said it, but here it is again: Ghosting is painful and it hurts.
Normalize it. That looks like saying to yourself, “I feel really confused and angry. It makes sense that I would feel this way because I deserved to know why.”
Normalizing the hurt makes space for it. It allows it to be there. Because, news flash, the pain is there anyway, even if you try to ignore or push it away. Feeling it helps you to move through it faster because you’re accepting it versus shaming yourself for feeling upset.
When you shame yourself for feeling upset, that only increases your distress and keeps you in rumination-mode a lot longer.
So, do yourself a favor, and just let it be okay for you to feel upset.
#2 Stop blaming yourself.
Ghosting is not a you problem, it’s a them problem.
Repeat, and repeat again.
It’s human nature to be hard on yourself and blame yourself. It’s easier to wonder “what did I do?” than to believe “it must be something on their end.”
But the reality is that you didn’t do anything to deserve being ghosted. It’s THEIR issue.
Often times, for the ghoster, it feels easier to ghost than to send the text saying, “Hey, I had fun with you, but I just wasn’t feeling a connection. Wish you the best.”
It’s a cop-out, absolutely, but it feels easier for them to do it. They may feel bad about it, but not enough to push through the discomfort they feel in having to “reject” you. They might even be afraid of your response (even though I know you’d reply with grace and class) or getting into a texting back-and-forth. It’s too much for them to handle, for whatever reason, so they push aside how it might make you feel and just do what feels best for them.
THAT SUCKS.
But again, that’s a THEM problem, NOT a YOU problem.
#3 Remember your inherent worthiness.
Getting ghosted doesn’t have anything to do with your worthiness. You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness no matter what. You didn’t deserve to be ghosted and it doesn’t say anything about your ability to be loved.
Repeat and repeat again: I am inherently worthy of love. I don’t have to do anything to earn or deserve my worthiness. Just by being human means that I am worthy of love.
#4 Take breaks as needed.
Dating is TOUGH. It’s exhausting, time-consuming, and often really disappointing. There are lots of bad dates and those bad dates sometimes don’t feel worth it for the chance of a halfway decent date.
It’s okay to take a break from dating. It’s okay to delete the app. It’s okay to tell a friend who’s encouraging you to “get back out there” that you just need some time.
You are always in control of your decisions in your life, and it’s your choice alone to figure out what you have the capacity for. You know what’s best for you, always.
Final reminder: Taking these steps doesn’t take away the hurt, but it will help you to move through your feelings and cope with them. Because the only way to deal with the hard stuff in life is to go through it. You’ve got this!
